When Moving On Means Something Different
by CKRose
Summary: What Happens between the fight in Always and when Beckett shows up at Castle's Door. Rating changed to M for upcoming chapters. Epilogue in the works.
1. Chapter 1

Title: When Moving on Means Something Different

Disclaimer: No matter how badly I would like to own Castle I don't. No copyright infringement intended.

A/N I've often wondered what it was like to go through the night after the big fight in Always, alone with their thoughts. This is my take on it.

More A/N This is an edit of the original posting from a few weeks ago. I wasn't happy with the story as it was so, I sought out a Beta, and I would like to thank the very lovely Dmarx for the help and encouragement.

He leans heavily against the outside of Kate's apartment. His hands are shaking, heart pounding, and he wants so badly to turn around, walk back into her apartment, and tell her that no matter what, he will not let it happen again. He would grab her up and haul her out of the country himself, take her anywhere he had to, to keep them from killing her. But the only thing that is going to happen is that Kate Beckett is going to do everything he tried so hard to stop her from doing. She's going to walk right into their trap. They will be waiting for her, and they will kill her.

And Rick Castle knows he can't do it again. He won't sit in the back of an ambulance again and watch her. It would kill him too. But no matter how much he loves Kate Beckett, he's not going to put himself through that again. And he's not going to do that to his family again either.

So he starts walking. Rick knows it is twenty blocks from Kate's apartment to his loft. The last time he walked it, he was angry too. It was the occasion of their last big fight. Kate didn't listen to him that time either, and it nearly cost her her life. It certainly cost Roy Montgomery his. But by all good reckoning, Rick supposes it cost them a year that they likely would have been together. Because after the fight came Roy's death, her shooting, and the subsequent three month silence, followed by months of keeping the truth from him. The truth that she knows he loves her.

Today may have started out a beautiful spring day, but now he doesn't remember or care if it was. He just feels footfall after footfall. It's the only thing he wants to feel, really. It's helping him to not think so hard about what just happened. It breaks his heart that she's so angry with him, but he would do it all again. Anything to keep her safe. Even if it meant nine months thinking she didn't remember he loves her, two and a half months thinking she heard him but she doesn't love him back, and two weeks of hope.

So he walks. All through the walk he can't stop rehashing the fight. The secrets. The shooting. The last four years. He never meant for this to get so out of control. He just knew after he met Kate that he couldn't just turn and walk away from her. Even if she hadn't challenged him by saying, "You have no idea." But now it's all over and so is the walk. He's made it home to the loft and now he's going to make his focus Alexis. This was supposed to be her time anyway and he is so proud of her. She's the valedictorian of her class, and he couldn't be more proud.

As Rick finally enters the loft he realizes there is only one thing he can do now. Move on. No matter how much it hurts. He knows it's gonna hurt. Sooner or later, there will come a knock on his door and that will be it. Kate will be gone and he won't be able to do one goddamn thing to stop it. It was finally feeling like he was getting the pieces of his broken heart cobbled back together after last summer, and after Kate's revelation during the bombing investigation. Well, that's never gonna happen again. The only thing that will shred his heart any worse than it is now, will be when he finds out the inevitable. But he can't. He can't watch it happen all over again.

Rick walks to the bookshelf where Alexis' cap and gown hang, waiting for her to slip on before graduation tomorrow.

"Is everything OK, Dad?."

"Yeah, fine. How is your speech coming?" asks Rick

Alexis replies, "I have watched or read every graduation address ever written. And compiled all the best advice into one speech. And then I read it out loud. And guess what I sounded like? Like a pompous ass. I'm 18 years old. What the hell do I know?"

Rick reaches out and takes Alexis into his embrace. "Hey, look, everything you know, everything you will know, is what's true for you" Rick says while knowing the truth he's living right now isn't anything like he was wanting for it to be.

"All I know is, everything's changing, Everything's going to be different, and I'm so scared," she admits as tears glisten in her eyes.

"Of what?"

"Moving on."

"You're right about that. That feels true"

Of course at that moment, Alexis has no idea how scared Rick really is.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The door is pulled shut. It's not a gentle pull, nor is it slammed shut. He shuts it just forcefully enough that Kate knows he means business. Kate knows that Rick Castle has just walked out of her life for good. She has no reason to believe he'll ever be back. She finally pushed him too far.

It's killing her already.

She wants to pick up the glass off her counter and send it smashing into the wall. But no, all she can think right now is how much she loves him, and how much she hates him. Two days ago, everything was finally starting to go in the right direction. Kate finally thought she was ready to get on with things and this time let Rick know how she really feels. How much she loved him. Loved. Past tense. Who is she kidding? She knows now, she will never stop loving Richard Castle.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N So, life has gotten busy, but the story is not over. By the way the Characters still don't belong to me. And after what happened on Twitter yesterday?... Well I don't know about that. However, if the characters were mine, the lighting might be a little brighter. Maybe.

Thanks again to Dmarx for being my Beta. You rock!

Chapter 2

"Alright then, Dad, Grams is upstairs getting ready for dinner" says Alexis

"Dinner?" says Rick, with a touch of panic in his eyes. His stomach begins to churn at the mere thought of dinner, but what happened earlier with Kate doesn't matter now. What matters now is having a great evening with Alexis, Martha, and 'Oh god,' whomever else they may have invited.

"Yeah Dad, the caterers will be here soon."

If Rick had known that today was the day everything was going to go to hell, he would have never planned on dinner here at the loft. He doesn't think he can make it through this.

"Don't forget dad, we're eating light, just an antipasto platter and fresh greens. Grams ordered enough for the three of us."

Rick relaxes just slightly at the knowledge that it would only be his mother, Alexis and himself.

And then Alexis says something that makes him freeze.

"Dad, I did order extra in case you might want to invite Detective Beckett "

"No Alexis, I don't."

"Why not?"

"Detective Beckett is very busy right now. Working on a case that's going to keep her busy for a while," Rick says, not wanting to say any more than he has to. "Right now, Alexis, I'm spending this time with you. I'm so proud of you. I would have never dreamed of being valedictorian at my school."

"He's got that right, Kiddo," says Martha Rodgers as she makes a somewhat unwelcome entrance into the loft.

"Always a laugh a minute, Mother," says Rick sarcastically.

"Oh tosh, tosh Richard!

"You're lucky you didn't get kicked out of that school. Not to mention the fact that they still let youe receive your diploma after the little stunt you pulled at graduation."

"What did you do Dad?" says Alexis, her attention piqued.

"He went to graduation wearing…."

"That's enough Mother, the caterer is here.

"Why don't you show them where to set the food?"

"Of course, Richard."

As Martha and Alexis show the caterer to the kitchen, Rick walks to his study, slumps into his desk chair, turns and stares at his darkened murder board. He never meant to hurt Kate. He knew that if she ever found out what he'd done she wouldn't take it well. Rick was just always hoping the timing would be right, and he would be able to tell her in a way that she could handle. He knows he needs to turn on the board and dump what information he had on Kate's case into the trash bin, but he just doesn't want to face it yet.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Kate has spent the better part of the evening staring at her murder board and thinking of the blurry image of her shooter that she saw earlier today, and the look on Castle's face when he left her apartment.

Then she spends some time on the phone with Esposito, making plans for how they are going to handle things tomorrow.

"Kate, you sound quiet, what's going on?" Questions Detective Javier Esposito

"Nothing," answers Kate. "I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine to me," says Javi.

"Well, I am, and you need to drop it, we need to get ready for tomorrow. I'm getting the bastard that shot me, and I'm going to find the man who had my mom murdered."

With that, Beckett and Esposito end their conversation and Kate walks from her murder board toward her bedroom. Once alone in her bedroom it finally dawns on her just how alone she really is. Finally, she picks up the glass off her bedside table and sends it careening toward her wall.

"Richard Castle, you arrogant bastard!

I was changing, healing for you!

Doing this for us!

You just had to put your fucking nose where it doesn't belong!"

She continues screaming, her rant getting the best of her voice. She walks toward her dresser, eyeing the upper right hand drawer. The one she's always imagined would one day hold some of his belongings. She grabs out underwear and shorts and heads for the shower. As she turns to walk toward the shower, Kate twists around so fast she her ankle rolls, and she drops to the floor, pain shooting up her leg.

And the tears come. Jagged, breath-robbing tears. She didn't think this would happen, didn't think anything could hurt as bad as knowing she just lost the love of her life. And Castle never even knew how she felt. She was too pig-headed to just be honest and tell him.

But he's the one who blew all of it when he took it upon himself to cut a deal with a complete stranger. What the fucking hell was he thinking?

Kate is not about to take all the blame for this . She waited to tell him she loved him because she needed time. She told him last fall on the swings that she needed time, and he led her to believe he understood.

"Maybe that's what he's been doing all along," she says aloud to herself in the emptiness of her room.

"Just leading me to believe he understood.

"Just letting me think he really loves me." At least by now, Kate is just talking to herself and not screaming at the bed that would likely be empty for a long time to come.

"He couldn't really love me if he ever thought I'd even begin to be OK with this."

The pain in Kate's ankle has ebbed, and she stands and gingerly puts her full weight on her foot. The pain is really very light. The adrenalin flowing through her system because of her anger must be staving off any real pain. The real pain begins in her heart as she glances at her bed once more. It's too much to even process.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. Someday I'll have my own characters, for now I'm borrowing these.**

"Dad thank you for a wonderful dinner tonight" says Alexis

"You're welcome kiddo." says Rick, smiling just for his daughter.

"I just wish Detective Beckett could have come too Dad. Are you sure nothing's wrong? You seemed distracted tonight"

"Alexis, things were just difficult at the precinct today. There are good days and bad days, sooner or later they get better. Usually. It's time to call it a night sweetheart. Sleep well. Tomorrow will be great!"

As Rick walks into his office, Alexis notices he leaves the lights off in the room, but sits down and just stares in the direction of the smartboard. Alexis gives some thought to walking in there, but eventually decides to just turn around and walk up the stairs and to her room instead. She senses that pushing right now may not be best.

Rick knows that Alexis is watching him through the bookshelf. Sometimes he wonders what the wisdom is in having his office built to be so open. But it's never really been a problem. He doesn't believe Alexis will choose this time to push and he is right. He knows his daughter.

Rick sits in the course it isn't really very dark. The lights from the city always provide a certain ambience to his office that is kind of nice in the dark of night. Mostly what Richard Castle was feeling is just darkness. A darkness he never thought he would feel in his soul. It's beyond depressing. He sits staring at the smart board, knowing that with a flick of the remote it would open onto the Johanna and Kate Beckett case files.. He picks up the remote and holds it in his hand. It's black and cold and steely. It reminds him of a gun, with one simple motion it can cause devastation.

He will dump all the information he has on the case away. Just like with one pull of a trigger someone will likely end Kate Beckett's life.

So, with a click of a remote and a click of a trigger all his dreams for a life with Kate will die.

Kate. Kate.

Rick can no longer sit in this chair and dread what is coming. I's time to hit the shower and go to bed.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

As Kate drags herself to the shower, she sees her work calendar hanging by the door in her bathroom. Kate keeps the calendar neatly laminated, on the wall in her bathroom. It has her duty roster for the month, and any appointments she's made. She always laminates it to protect it from the dampness of the bathroom. She lay her fingers on the calendar and thinks about all the things she and Castle have been through this last year. Nearly a year has gone by and she's still alive. Now she knows why. It's taken the deception of the man she loves most to keep her alive, and she can't forgive him for not being honest with her. They could have come up with a . They didn't have to lose each other because of secrets. Kate thinks about how ironic it is that this thing tearing them apart could've brought them together had they just been honest with each other.

Kate finally sheds her clothes and steps into the shower knowing this coming morning is going to be difficult. She so badly wants to find the man who shot her and bring him to justice. But for now she is distracted. She is thinking about all of the last year. The three months away from her friends while she was recuperating. How hard that had been, hiding away. She hadn't wanted any of them to see her, especially not Castle. Kate had wanted to protect him from the mess she had become.

"Katie?" There is Kate's mother's voice again.

"Why are you so angry with Rick? Didn't you try to protect him from how wounded and broken you were?"

"You were keeping yourself away from him to protect him, in case someone came for you again."

"It was ok for you to hide from him, to try and protect him? But it's not ok for him to want to keep you alive"?

Johanna Beckett's voice fades into the sounds of the water washing down over Kate.

As she stands under the water, so hot it's nearly scalding, she thinks back over the last year. The year that she apparently had, only because of a file, and because Rick insisted she wait to go after Johanna Beckett's killer at a different time. The water pounding down over her body reminds her of the Hudson river, of nearly drowning, but making it out alive because of Castle. There are several times they should have died, but they didn't. Castle and Beckett always stood together and found a way to get justice and be there for each other. They made a great team.

But not now. Now that is over. Those hopes and dreams are gone. Kate tries to concentrate on washing the day away, washing all the anger she is feeling towards Rick, but all she really feels is the heat pooling at her center. The longing for what is never going to happen now; Castle's arms around her, his mouth searing hers with his kisses. They'd only kissed once, but she knew when he kissed her again, she would never let him stop. That's the real reason why she kept him at arms length. She was afraid. But now, in the aloneness of her shower, all she wants is him. She wants his hands around her back, over her breasts, down her sides. She wants to feel him, be with him, Kate wants to break apart for him. Kate wants Castle, She just wants Rick.

That is lost now. Or maybe it was never meant to be to begin with, otherwise Castle would never have cut that deal. Never been so selfish to think he could make a deal for her life. Not his! Hers! Her own life. The life she was living being with men she didn't love to keep Castle at bay. And now here she is alone in the shower. Unfulfilled and facing the battle of her life without him.

"Fuck Him!" she thinks. " He made his bed. Now he can lay in it alone!"

**TBC**

**A/N Thank you Diana for all of you help and encouragement.**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer:** The Characters are not mine. Someday I'll have my own. For now I'm just borrowing them.**

**A/N I'm changing the rating of this story to M for reasons. If M stories are not your thing, you know what to do.**

**Thank you to my Beta Diana for all your help. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. **

**And to Sarah, thanks so much for your encouragement. You're awesome!**

When Moving On Means Something Different Chapter 4

Rick Castle makes his way into the shower, but when he gets there the only thing he can think of is what it would be like to have Kate with him. What it would be like to have her. Now all he has is the ghost of hope lost.

Rick makes quick work of the shower and heads for his bed. He's so tired. Every muscle in his body aches. He thinks this must be what a truly broken heart feels like. Pain everywhere.

He climbs in bed, thinking it was just yesterday that Kate was holding his hand in the middle of the precinct. It didn't last long; Esposito and Ryan had come around the corner with information about the case, so she let go. Her hand was warm and soft, yet strong.

"So tired, so tired" Rick mumbles to himself as sleep strengthens its grip on him.

"Rick. Rick?" Castle opens his eyes slowly, fogged with sleep. He doesn't understand. He just fell asleep. And why is he hearing voices, he wonders. He remembers watching Alexis turn for the stairs. It can't be her. "Rick. Castle. Can you hear me?" He hears Kate's voice and it startles him. He raises his head and looks for Kate but she's not there and she won't ever be. Castle rubs his eyes and lets his head drop back to the mattress.

He should have known better than try to sleep. Too much happened today. But he needs to sleep, he has to sleep. He wants to be there for his daughter tomorrow. Dealing with the stress of losing Kate will be enough. And now he's what, hallucinating? He has to rest.

Rick finally feels the comfort of sleep overtake him. He snuggles down into his pillow and stills. As Rick falls into a fitful sleep, the dreams begin. Dreams of hope lost.

She lays her hand gently on his chest, sliding her fingers against the broad expanse of his skin. Her lips find their way to his cheek and she slowly makes her way to his lips, working her mouth over his slowly, sensually.

Rick opens his eyes only to find Kate's beautiful green orbs staring back at him. He knows there's no way this can be happening. Kate's not here. His mind is playing a cruel trick.

"It's true Rick, I'm here. I'm your Kate, the Ghost of hope lost.

Rick still doesn't understand fully but he feels his arms winding their way around nothing. A nothing that feels incredibly real. As he wraps his arms around this vision of hope lost, this amazing vision of Kate responds to him. She continues to kiss his lips, his jaw, working her way to his pulse point, suckling gently and eliciting a very pronounced reaction.

All the while Rick continues to fight the idea that this is happening, until Kate's hand slides down his chest, over his abs and cups him, running her fingers over his length. "Do you believe me now Rick? I may be a dream, but I'm the only hope you have left. We need each other if we're going to make it through this night. Let me love you, Castle".

"Oh, Oh Kate" Rick says as he gently rolls her over, his eyes never leaving hers. He can't spend another minute trying to figure out how this can possibly be happening. He can only act.

Rick's lips come crashing down on Kate's and he feels every touch, every nuance, every single second. He looks into her eyes and they lock, and he realises he no longer cares how this is happening, how she is in his arms, naked underneath him.

Rick buries his face in the hollow of her neck, lips seeking the tender flesh as he lavishes kisses on her pulse point, continuing down toward her breasts. He begins to feel as if he's in a fog as he reaches out to lay his fingers between Kate's breasts. He glances up at his Kate for an answer, but all he finds are questions. "Why can't this be real Kate?" Why"

"I'm here now Rick. Be with me. Please.." begs Kate.

Rick gently parts Kate's thighs and with one smooth stroke, Richard Castle connects himself to this Kate of his vision, his reality. Is she really the ghost of hope lost or has all that has happened just caused so much stress that he no longer knows or cares what's real?

Kate wraps her legs around Rick's hips and they begin to move, synchronized together in a way that only they would ever be able to attain.

"More Rick, please, I love you, you know I do. I love you."

As their rhythm increases, Rick knows they are coming closer and closer. And then as suddenly as Kate appeared in Rick's dream she is gone. Rick collapses on to his bed left with nothing to do but finish what he obviously must have started on his own. When he's done, he goes to his bathroom cleans up and returns to his bed. He lays his head back on the pillow, one hand behind his head, staring off into space, tears falling, as sleep takes him, with only the sound of Kate's name on his lips for comfort.

Kate, Kate

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Kate looks herself in the mirror, wondering how her life could have gone so horribly wrong. She towel dries the last bits of water out of her hair and makes her way into the bed and under the covers.

She looks to her nightstand for her brush and something to tie her hair up with. As she finishes with her hair, she starts reaching for a book, just out of habit really. Something to take away the sting of the day. Until she realizes she has his book in her hand, his book about her.

Lanie was right, these books are nothing more than a long love letter to her. Well, there is no reason to read any of those so called love letters now. All those books are going to remind her of now, is what they'll never have. It's as if Castle has become a ghost to her.

Kate slides down her pillow, turning from side to side, finally just facing the middle of the bed in defeat as sleep overtakes her angry mind.

"Beckett, Beckett?". Kate sits straight up eyes flying wide open. She looks around in a panic, swearing she heard Castle's voice.

"There's no way, no way he could've gotten in here. He's out of my life." Kate mutters to herself. "Besides, he has to know I'd probably shoot him if he had the nerve to come back here,"she thinks to her tired, stressed out self.

"Like hell you would!" Castle reappears, sitting on the bed, to her side.

"Castle, what the fuck! How are you here? Get Out!"

"I'm not him.

Well I'm him, your version of him. Your Castle. You know, not the building, the me ver…."

"Enough, Castle!" Says a clearly exasperated Beckett. "I don't understand. How can you be here?. You left me," she states, as a strangled sob leaves her mouth. Kate's Castle, her vision, whatever this amazing thing that she sees, leans into her, gently wrapping his hand around her neck and kissing her. She pulls back, startling as the memory of the one time she kissed Richard Castle comes flooding back.

"I'm here for you Kate, I may feel like the ghost of hope lost, but I'm here for you. I just want you. I love you."

Kate responds to Castle's kiss, not understanding how it feels so real. Every inch of her body comes alive with the sensations she's always wanted to feel. As she kisses him back, she realizes this is no time to be analytical. It's only time to be.

As Castle lays Kate Beckett lovingly on her bed she reaches for him, unbuttoning his shirt slowly, sensually sliding her hands across his chest. She loosens his shirt from his pants and slides it over his shoulders, letting her hands run over the taut muscles of his back. Their eyes lock as she unbuckles his belt. In one short move, she tugs his pants down over his backside, helping him to shrug them off. Castle makes short work of her T-shirt and shorts. Finally, naked and together, Castle begins kissing Kate with a fervor that can only be a dream.

It's not the first time Beckett has dreamed of him. It is the first time he has ever been so real. Castle scatters kisses down the length of Kate's neck and to her breasts, pulling her hardened nipple into his mouth and laving it with his tongue. Kate runs her hands down his back and over the curve of his ass, pulling him toward her, feeling his hardness, and wanting him where she needs him so desperately. Kate parts her legs for him and he enters her, causing sensations she thought were lost to her forever, feeling the fire pooling low in her belly.

As they begin to move in unison, Kate feels the tension building. They continue to move, gazing intently into each other's eyes, never breaking the stare. They are rising, together, closer and closer, when Kate can't help herself any longer. She has to speak. "I don't know how this is happening or why, I just know I love you. I just want you Rick…"

And just as the ghostly Kate had disappeared from Rick's dream, her Castle is gone and Kate is left to finish what now was clearly the weirdest dream she's ever had.

Kate brings herself down slowly from the saddest orgasm she's ever had. It's so sad, only because it's not real. She lays her head back on the pillow, reaching over to her nightstand to find her phone. It's four thirty am and the realization hits Kate. There's no point in staying in bed dreaming of what she'll never have. It's time to stop by the cemetery on her way to work. Kate needs her mom.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer****: Still not mine. Mine don't even have names yet!**

A/N Thanks for the Beta Diana. And thanks for being you Sarah

When Moving On Means Something Different Chapter 5

Richard Alexander Rodgers sits at his daughter's graduation wondering again, how everything went so wrong so fast . He looks up to hear Alexis give her Valedictory speech.

"There's a universal truth that we have to face, whether we want to or not. Everything eventually ends. As much as I've looked forward to this day, I've always disliked endings."

"The end of summer, the final chapter of a great book, parting ways with a close friend. But endings are inevitable."

"Today is one of those days for us. Today we say goodbye to everything that was familiar."

"Everything that was comfortable. We're moving on. But just because we're leaving, and that hurts, there are some people who are so much a part of us they'll be with us no matter what. They are our solid ground."

"Our north star. And the small clear voices in our hearts that will be with us. Always."

* * *

"Richard?" says Martha, "Are you sure you're ok? You look like you're in the depths of despair. Like you've lost your best fr…"

"I have mother, I have lost my best friend. It's over. There is nothing more I can do and as Alexis just said in her speech, It's time to move on."

"Oh Richard, I'm so very sorry. I didn't mean to be so insensitive" Martha says as she reaches up lovingly placing her hands on either side of his face. "I saw what you went through when Roy Montgomery died, when Kate never called. Richard I know this year has been so hard on you. I never understood how you did it all, and now this. Grief takes time my boy. I'm here for you."

Castle leans over and wraps his arms gently around his mother. "I'll get through it mother. Right now I don't know how. but I will."

"I do love you Richard, you're a wonderful son and father, Life will get better for you, I know it"

"Enjoy yourself in the Hamptons mother. Alexis had her overnight bag with her at graduation today. She is already with her friends"

"Richard, listen to me. You will be ok. You can move on." with that Martha Picked up her bag and went to meet the car service.

After Rick is finished talking to Martha, he speaks to Alexis assuring her he will be fine. He places Alexis' graduation tassel over the lamp in his office, when the phone rings. As he picks up his phone he see's that it's Kate calling. All he can think, is that she's calling because she want's his help on her mother's case. Help he's no longer prepared to give. So, he ignores the call. He gives a quick thought to shutting the phone off completely. He thinks he won't though, although it's morbid so it will be easier for the guys to get a hold of him, if or actually when the inevitable happens.

As it is, Rick realizes that there is no point to putting it off any longer .He turns, picking up the smart board remote. His thoughts swirl through his mind. _'We were so_ _close, so close Kate. We would have been terrific.'_ The happy memories of Alexis' graduation faded, rapidly being replaced by the intense feelings of loss that come slamming back to his memory. Rick continues thinking of all that could have been and all that will not be as he slides Kate's file into the trash bin, thinking he has no choice but to move on now. He clicks the board off, taking a deep pained sigh, as he hears a sharp rap on the door.

* * *

Kate stands in the damp cold of the cemetery in front of her mother's grave thinking of a conversation she had had with her dad.

"Your mom had been getting threats Katie, they told her to back down or else."

_'She didn't back down and neither will I.'_ As she thinks to herself, the tears come running hot down her face while she holds Johanna Beckett's ring in her hand._ 'I've got_ _to get to the end of this. Something has to come out of this. I've lost so much. Mom, Dad for a while, Roy.'_ The next image in her mind is of she and Castle pulling their hands apart in the precinct two days ago. She doesn't want to think of Castle, she's still so angry. But thoughts are all she has left.

* * *

Later, much later, as Kate sits in the pouring May rain, thinking of the last time she was here with Castle, she remembers how she thought he understood. She thought he knew she wanted to have a relationship with him. How she needed to solve her mother's murder first.

The rain is cold, it feels good on her sore body after what happened at the hotel. It helps her to clear her head. To set her mind to what she's got to do now; She has to go to him.

And so she walks, the footfalls settling her determination. She is finally heading in the right direction. As Kate arrives at Rick's building she takes out her phone, and dials him. The phone rings twice and then goes to voice mail. He must be ignoring her, and why wouldn't he?

And now she climbs. Climbing two stairs at a time. Each stair step strengthens her resolve. There is only one thing to do. It's time to beg his forgiveness and finally let him know.

When Richard Castle finally opens the door, she mouths under her breath "Oh thank God"

* * *

Kate's fingers slide off Castle's jaw as she gentles the searing and almost frantic kissing that went on after Castle accepted her apologies and shoved her against his door, showing her how much he wants her. Kate's hand slides down Ricks wrist and into his palm, turning them toward his room. As she gives Rick the smile he's always dreamed of seeing, the realization hits him..

* * *

Richard Castle stands in the dark of his bedroom, alone with the woman of his dreams, eyes locked steadfastly upon each other. He slides his fingers into Kate's hair, feeling the silkiness of it. He cradles her head in his palm, bringing her mouth against his, tongues swirling about in a sensual and beautiful dance. For all of the things Rick has been a part of in his life, nothing can compare to this. Nothing can compare to having Kate Beckett in his arms, kissing him with such passion and fervor.

He continues opening the buttons on Kate's blouse, exposing not only the scar over her heart, but the long scar on her side from her surgery. Another clap of thunder sounds as he places his hand against the scar down her side, stopping for a moment to breathe in all that's happening. He reaches up to slide Kate's shirt down off her shoulders. As he does, one of the bra straps slides off her shoulder making her appear nude in the dim light of the bedroom. Taking her back into his arms, he shudders when they embrace, she feels so precious in his arms. He never wants to let go.

He begins to move them directly over the bed angling them down onto the cool covers. Kate pulls him to her, lips and foreheads lingering upon one another. She is so grateful this is happening. When she thinks about what could have happened she realises she has to make this right. For him.

Just as the thoughts of what it will feel like to finally be one with him settle in her mind, she feels his body stiffen as if something has changed. She looks up into his eyes seeing that he has been thinking too hard. What she sees, looks not so much like love, as much as fear mixed with anger.

"You want me Kate?"

Kate looks up into Rick's eyes, wide and focused as her nerves start to get the best of her, but she nods her head and whispers "Yes, yes Cas... Rick. More than anything."

"Yesterday you were clear what you wanted, and it wasn't me". He stares deeply into Kate's eyes taking a glance at the column of her neck, then sweeping in for a devastating kiss. Deep, almost painful, yet full of love. As he breaks the kiss, a tear escapes his eye and Kate moves her hands from his shoulders to bracket his face. Rick continues, saying, "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to walk away yesterday? I wanted to die when I walked away. Because that's what I thought was going to happen to you. I thought the next time I heard about you, would be because you had died. And you almost did, you said so." His hand glances gently against her bruised rib cage causing Kate to take a sharp breath inwards

"Esposito and I caught up with the sniper at the Residency Hotel. You know the old Rosslynn? He got the drop on us and knocked Javi out, I chased him up to the roof of the hotel and took him on, but he got the best of me. He was too strong . All my training meant nothing, I punched and kicked, even tried to choke him out and he wouldn't budge. He threw me off him like I was a gnat."

Rick leans in and kisses Kate's ribs gently, raising back up to see Kate and she continues, "After he had me by the throat was when I realised I wasn't gonna make it off the roof. No back up was coming, and I asked him to just tell me who is behind all this. He told me I had no idea who I was up against and when I and told him he didn't realize who he was up against, he rolled me so hard I slipped off the roof. I barely managed to hang on and he just left me there. That's when It finally hit me just how awful a thing I had done. What I had done to you."

"Oh god Rick, I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you. Kate slides her hand under Rick's eye, catching the tears that are pooling there. She rises up and kisses the underside of his other eye, kissing away those tears. As they once again look intently into each others eyes, Kate begins to slide her hands down along Rick's neck and towards his shirt, continuing what she started against his door. As she unfastens each button, she begins to see and feel the strength of his chest.

Rick looks down at Kate's fingers as she releases the buttons and helps her as she finally slides the shirt off his shoulders. She gently kisses his sternum, causing him to gasp as her lips caress his chest.

"How long where you hanging of the roof Kate?" Rick says, a mixture of fear and anger bubbling up in his voice.

"It wasn't very long Castle, maybe a minute, I was holding on by both hands, but I wasn't strong enough and one hand slipped. Rick gently lifts Kates hands, kissing them all over and telling her, he is grateful she made it through.

"I thought is was the end Rick, I was hanging there by one hand and I was so scared."

"I must have started hallucinating."

Rick looks at Kate with so many questions, but leans in again for a long slow kiss, exploring her mouth and bracing himself for the rest of the story Beck-Kate has to tell.

"I was hallucinating because I heard your voice telling me to hang on, but it wasn't you Rick, it wasn't you."

By this time Kate is nearly sobbing, all Rick knows to do is tell her. "I'm here now Kate, don't be afraid."

Kate takes a deep, cleansing breath, willing her breathing to slow, and tracing the line of Rick's shoulder with the pads of her fingers, causing Rick to close his eyes and push down the very real image of Kate hanging there alone.

"Just as my last fingers slipped off, I heard my name again and four hands caught my wrist before it was too late. It was Ryan, and one of the SWAT cops, I was still calling your name as they were hauling me up, but you weren't there."

The realization of what nearly happened on the roof, sets in as Rick lays his forehead back against Kate's. He opens his mouth to tell her he should have been there, but the only thing that escapes is a deep, ragged breath.

"Shhh, shhh Rick. You shouldn't have been there. Not after what I did. I really don't deserve you."

Rick begins to feel a resurgence of anger building up within him, when he comes down off his arms and rolls them on their sides, gently cradling her head and shoulders

"You still, don't understand do you?" Rick grits out as his tone becomes more stressed.

"Oh Rick, but I do understand now. In that one moment, the realization of everything you've tried to do for so long came crashing down around me like a ton of bricks. It was my walls coming down around me."

"As I looked up all I saw was Gates, she got us seen to by the paramedics, and then hauled Esposito and I back downtown, She was so angry, she suspended both of us, and demanded our badges, and guns."

"Espo laid his badge and gun down and I just stood there holding mine when Gates demanded it again. It was then I remembered the fight you and I had the night before Roy was shot"

Kate brushes her fingers against Rick's jaw,caressing his jaw with her lips.

Now is the time, she has to tell him now.

"You told me I was hiding in nowhere relationships with men I don't love. When Gates suspended me, as I held my badge in my hand, I realized I had done the same thing with my job. So I quit. I was just hiding. I was allowing my job and those relationships to hold me back."

"From what Kate? Me?" Rick lays his head on his pillow and closing his eyes in frustration.

"I've lost so much, my mom, and nearly my dad and I just couldn't take the chance of losing you. It was protection from losing you."

"I just want you, I love you, I need you Richard Castle, you...

With his heart pounding in his chest and tears pooling in his eyes Rick rises back up over Kate launching a deep, devastatingly hungry kiss on Kate's mouth, exploring and letting her know how much her statement has affected him.

As he kisses her, Rick realises that he's never really been in love. But he know's now, what it means to love someone so much you're willing to be hurt again and again in hopes the one you love will come around, and now she has.

Kate wraps her arms around Rick, trying to clutch him as close as possible when he breaks the kiss, planting a trail of warm kisses down Kate's neck, ending there. Supporting her as she reaches behind herself to unfasten her bra. When she slides the bra off, Rick leans once more to Kiss the bullett scare that changed their lives. He sweeps his hand over breasts taking her nipple in hand then gently kissing and suckling.

He slides into a kneeling position finding the buckle to Kate's pants. He unzips them and slides the damp fabric down Kate's hips and off her legs, taking her black lace panties along with the jeans , he stops, his fingers exploring at her entrance, feeling with pleasure how ready she is for him. He backs off the bed, sliding her boots and jeans off.

Rick looks at her with wonder, remembering how insane the last 72 hours have turned out to be and now this, Kate is here in his bed waiting for him. Her beautiful green eyes swimming with desire, not anger or tears.

He unbuckles his belt, steps out of his shoes and lets his slacks fall down his long, powerfully built legs. Kate's rises up on her elbows, inhaling deeply at the sight of Richard Castle, the man she has loved for so long, ready, so beautiful, as he crawls back up on the bed, toward her.

"God Kate, I don't think this is going to take a lot of time, and I'm sorry, you're so beautiful and I've wanted you for so long. You love me" The smile that breaks across his face is breathtaking.

Now naked and laying underneath Rick, Kate brings her legs up around his backside and says "No more waiting and playing around. I need you, I want to feel you now"

Rick moves against her, entering slowly, resting his head in the crook of her neck and laving his against her collarbone, until he realises that's not good enough, he want's to see her. He want's to savor this moment, committing to memory when his dreams finally have become reality. Kate's senses come alive as she feels him at her entrance. She gasps as he makes the connection, looking up into his eyes, telling him again and again. "I love you,"

After, as they lay wrapped around each other, Rick looks deeply into Kate's eyes and tells her. "I almost did it, I was almost stupid enough to try to move on without would never have worked Kate. I love you too much. You came to me Kate. I Love you"

With that Kate, reaches up tracing her hand against the scruff along his jaw, kissing him slowly and deeply, looking into his beautiful eyes.

"I love you too Rick, I love you too."

FIN


End file.
